I know I said in my last post that I don't tend to do a lot of worrying in life, so what I'm about to launch into is really going to put my credibility into question. I accept that.
It's hard for me, though, not to worry about lumps.
But they're scary for everyone, aren't they? Haven't we all been conditioned to fear that mysterious lump that seems to have just appeared out of nowhere? And to then wrack our brains as to whether or not it did just mysteriously appear at all - or just maybe it's been there for ages, creeping up slowly and steadily in size, and now there it is whispering our name ominously, and oh God... what IS that? Am I dying? Okay let's just stop and be rational, we think. Don't Google it, whatever you do, you tell yourself - except well, it's probably best if I just have a quick little Google check. I'll only click on the first few links, and I promise not to visit a single forum. And above all bloody else, I'll stick to the code and I Will Not Press the Images Button. ...Okay I did. This is bad. It's bad. ...It's bad.
And so what, then, if that little lump shows up on your child? Dare I even venture down that path to explain to you how scary to the power of one hundred it is to see a lump on your little walking, talking toddler?
It happened to us once already - a lump, ensuing tests, uncertainty; a cancer scare - and behold, benign that little tumor ended up being, rendering us utterly and completely beside ourselves with relief. But little did I realize at the time, it ingrained within me a quiet, silent and steadfast fear - or a realization, maybe - that this baby girl of mine could be snatched out from under me at any time. Finding a tumor on my daughter inadvertently had this effect on me.
And this morning we found ourselves at the doctor's office once again, this time to bring to attention two tiny lumps sitting right below Margot's bottom eyelash line on her right eye. I will confess that they've been there for what seems like an eternity - probably six months or more - but as time passed, and they didn't disappear, I decided it best to talk to her pediatrician about it. She gave us a referral to an ophthalmologist, and this morning we made our way over with some distinct level of trepidation.
I really hate taking her to doctor's appointments, in all honesty. Without fail, the mood is light while we're in the waiting room, and then the moment a nurse comes around the corner and says her name, she loses all her shit. Every ounce of it. She screams, "NOOOO!" while tears careen down her face, then clings to me like should she release her grip from around my neck even slightly, the world will implode and all of humankind will disappear into oblivion.
So this morning, pre-appointment, I was tense. I coached her throughout breakfast, though, maybe as much for her benefit as for mine.
"We're going to go to the doctor's office today, okay, babe? Everything's gonna be just fine. Mama's going to be with you the whole time; and I need you to be a big girl, okay? No crying."
But sure enough, emotions exploded out of her face as soon as it was our turn to be called. It was a long walk down that hallway, loud and disheveled, but eventually we made it; and while I like to think we achieved calm thanks to my presence, my voice and my touch, there's really no question it had everything to do with three huge stickers and a little bag of Teddy Grahams that the nurse procured.
And, after a wildly successful examination, I'm relieved once again to report that these little eye bumps are nothing more than blocked oil glands, with no further need for attention in the foreseeable future.
Maybe I'm a worrier, maybe I'm a Class-A stereotypical textbook first-time Mother. Maybe both.
At any rate, we made our way back home and rewarded ourselves with some time together, gallivanting around in our backyard. Me with my camera, and she with her tummy full of stickers on the outside, and Teddy Grahams on the inside.