I think we can all acknowledge the number of times in the course of any given day that we fantasize about dropping our kids off at a yard sale and putting a lowball price tag on their foreheads, can't we? There seems to be a steady stream of events that take place throughout the day that inevitably causes us to contemplate whether pulling out our eyelashes one by one would be equally or less painful than trying to negotiate with a toddler.
But have you ever thought about how those toddlers feel about us? How hard it is to live with the heavy-handed, fun-suckers that we are? Parents are the worst. We learn this somewhere in the early stages of toddlerhood, and this concept usually stays with us until right around the time we move out, and realize that ramen noodles are only delicious so many times in a row (two times max), and how on earth do you get wine stains out of your roommate's top, and oh by the way can I borrow $20? Thanks mom. I couldn't find any change in your jacket pockets otherwise I wouldn't have had to come to you like this.
So until that magical day when your children realize what a doting parent you've always been, and thanks you for wiping countless boogers from their noses WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, it's important to remember that that love is a process. And that many a day will pass when your toddler will want to flush you down the toilet because you didn't think it was appropriate to allow them to stick their finger up the dog's butt.
Without further ado, I present to you a small, non-comprehensive list of the things that Margot has hated me for over the last week or so.
1. Telling her that under no circumstances does the power cord to my computer go in her mouth. It is not a chew-toy, nor is she a dog, nor would this be appropriate even if she was.
2. Asking her to kindly refrain from licking the shopping cart handle
3. Having the audacity to suggest she do a little drawing on the Magna Doodle
4. Reminding her that until she has a working knowledge of how a record player works, she is effectively banned from turning one on by herself
5. Taking the kitty litter scoop out of her hand and reminding her sternly that cat poop is not to be played with
6. Insisting that blueberries are for eating; not for squishing between your thumb and forefinger and throwing on the floor
7. Reprimanding her for using the cat's water dish as a hand-washing station
8. Reiterating that if I say that playing with the dustpan is yuck, that doesn't mean rub your hands all over it
9. Not allowing her to eat a live bumble bee
10. The couch is too slippery to climb onto. Yeah. Like that's my fault.